BEST WHEN CHILLED

Mon, 05 Oct 2009 17:18:33 GMT

aww, i guess i should post once in a while, eh? but what to say that hasn't been said on my other blog--which really is rarely updated--madevilknits.blogspot.com--and facebook? yes, i'm on facebook. that's where my family hangs out so there go i. other than that, i use google reader (SO MUCH) and i'm on rav still. so. i'm still existing! i'm knitting: mom's socks, my first sweater from an actual pattern (with extensive modifications, of course) and some socks for me. i would like to make some handwarmers or mittens or gloves but i don't know which ones. for halloween i'm either going to go as a case of wonderflonium (with a shirt that says "wonderflonium: do not bounce") and rene will have to figure something out for himself, or we'll go together as cloak and dagger. not really sure how to do that.... all rene needs is a big, well, cloak ~~and some blackface~~ but i need to finagle a shirt into that odd cross-shaped cutout arrangement and find some white hair dye. which we do have at work, so... there's one thing checked off.

Tue, 04 Aug 2009 00:40:26 GMT

right, so, after a bit of a delay, is the new bloggerblog, the diary of a mad evil knitting genius. who knits.

ENJOY

Sun, 26 Jul 2009 01:50:59 GMT

RIGHT so now i have a camera, and it takes pictures which are actually decent, and so it is time, as it sometimes is for all of us in some way, for me to go over to blogger and get a proper knitting blog and a following and become a celebrity in the knitting world and so on. i link between this and that once i get it set up, and then it is goodbye. but all that's happening tomorrow, or maybe later, because i have to get up at 6 tomorrow. GOD.

Sun, 19 Jul 2009 11:32:58 GMT

go watch warehouse 13 RIGHT NOW. no, trust me, jane espenson helped write at least the first episode. the words "wicked awesome" happen to apply to it. (also the words "so where exactly are you planning to go with this?" but for now it's a fun little thing which starts a bit slow but is then wicked awesome.)

two stories

Mon, 01 Jun 2009 00:52:14 GMT

leaving tomorrow!

i have two stories:
1: so i was at work. i was about to go on my break, and before cashiers take a break we have to clear out our registers of all the items customers didn't want. we take them to customer service and deposit them in bins or, later in the evening, in carts. so i was walking out of customer service with my hands all full of jacketwaterbottlereturnsetc, and i nearly ran into this guy who was wearing the xkcd "SCIENCE: it works, bitches" shirt. and i said, "i love your shirt. so much." he turned around and looked at me confusedly because, you see, he was also wearing a jacket, so all you could really see was "IEN / works, bi". so i said, "i read xkcd, too." and he sort of checked me out. just a little once-over, a little "hmm" look. which i thought was funny because this guy is never going to see me again. sucks to be him. so then i dropped something, he helped me pick it up, and i ran off to distribute my returns to their proper locations.

best part? he was wearing a hat. a hat guy hat.

2. so we were at garden of the gods. to say goodbye. we went into the gift shop to find something commemorative (which also cost only 5$--unsuccessful, ultimately) and they were playing some sort of "instrumental folk hits" cd. one of those where the songs are not interpreted in a way that helps you actually identify them. which didn't stop me identifying "homeward bound." simon & garfunkel, you know--and guess which song i've been thinking of sice i learned we were at the "and back again" part of our hobbit's tale? yeah. and then just when it ended i found what i wanted most: a necklace with a real forget-me-not embedded in the pendant.

oh, yeah, i need to title these

Mon, 25 May 2009 04:53:08 GMT

so i finished the past life shawl. it is warm and huge and doesn't have its ends woven in yet. (well. it's still wet, so that's forgivable.) i also finished the lion brand scarf. and i forget whether i already talked about these things, but anyway, also, we are leaving for maryland on the first. of june. i'm half-packed; i even dyed a bunch of yarn today so that A) i won't have to dye at aunt dottie's (where rene and i are staying for the month before our move-in date at our intended house [his mom is staying with her sister]) and B) so i can pack yarn instead of dyestuffs. which is a sissy excuse given that my "dyestuffs" are packets of kool-aid whihc take up about as much space each as a playing card.

so. what shall i knit on the drive? i'd like to start another big thing, seeing as how the shawl is done. on the way here, a year ago, i did about a sleeve of my cleaves (which i never wear now). on the way back, it'll either be a sweater out of caron simply soft--and i'd like to do the sleeve in the car, not the body--or i'll begin on muir. finally take on that laceweight. OR i might work on my superduck socks (the banananana ones). i had to rip out the second sock because... how do i describe it? say X is the lace pattern column and O is the plain stockinette column. sock one was like this on the instep: "OXOXO" and sock two was like this: "XOXOX". and i did not want that. imagine, me, wanting two socks the same. but yes. so now i have a few rows of toe on two.

stomach-related issues

Wed, 20 May 2009 04:05:09 GMT

so i went to the doctor about my "i get nauseous pretty much all the time" problem and TURNS OUT i might have an ulcer or a gallbladder "problem." the meds they gave me--the meds they gave me to see if they work--are also used for zollinger-ellison syndome</i> (wiki link, includes gross endoscopy image) which means tumors. but we're not going to suspect that. we're going to suspect stress, and ulcers.

so, apparently licorice is good for ulcers? and drinking straight vegetable oil? and eating a low-fat diet? and i shouldn't eat corn, tomatoes or citrusy things, except those are the things i want to eat most. AWESOME. stupid internet people, suggesting information that doesn't fit with my previously-accepted worldviews, mumble grumble....

also i have something like a dozen rows left on my PL shawl. which means... 3 to 6 hours of work. plus the bind-off. thinking of using the one from the hemlock ring. maybe.

Sun, 17 May 2009 21:45:53 GMT

still aLive--been reading, knitting, watching tv, working, etc--not internetting.

proof of aliveness: knitting update
PL shawl: on the last ball, which turns out to be the fifth one. it's big enough (i GUESS)--and each row is taking EVEN LONGER now, and i'm out of pattern ideas (it's a nonrepeating pattern, you see) so yeah. it's nearly done. the sixth ball... i'm thinking a lacy hat, or mitts.
socks: i'm a couple of pattern repeats past the toe of the second sock. the first one is a little tight, but not so much that it cuts off circulation or anything; i think it's comfy and warm, but i wouldn't be able to sleep with them on.
lion brand scarf: ...hasn't moved since i last talked to you, except for when i had to pick up something that was underneath it.

next up: i require armwarmers for work. it's still chilly at night (though VERY warm at the registers during the day--all those customers, full of hot air, you know). of course i'll probsbly have them done in time for the full heat of summer, but i'll have them for next year either way. i really don't have the right yarn for these. i need a worsted or sport in a solid, professional color (black, grey, brown, blue) and i'd prefer wool. if i don't buy new yarn, i'll probably end up using the Mountain Of Black Red Heart (one of those pound-o-love balls). and i bet i still won't exhaust it.

on the other hand, i did recently get some "cashmere" (which turnes out to be, like, 80% acrylic, 16% rayon or nylon or something, and 4% cashmere. still quite soft, but now i get why it was at michaels. they also have "alpaca"). it's white, but the nylon and cashmere would pick up dye, so i'd get some sort of mottling, i expect, so i could dye it and make cashmere armwarmers. maybe. i sort of thought i could make a lace cashmere scarf (okay, i just like saying things are cashmere--it's a luxury thing) out of it, but with the acrylic content i'm not sure how it would block.

wolverein review + knitting update

Tue, 05 May 2009 04:00:24 GMT

wolverein: origins: x-men: wolverine:

don't see it. not even for free. if you have read an x-men comic--any of them--don't watch this movie. if you've ever read a damn batman comic, don't go see this movie. i feel that my time was wasted, and i never feel that. rene feels that a small piece of his brain has died. we didn't even watch the whole thing (because of brain-death and also because of certain measures put in place to keep evil criminals like us from watching things for free on the internet [also, what we watched was in fact a leaked, unfinished copy {or at any rate i really hope they're not relasing the version we saw}. the cg was SO BAD]). rene says he's going to finish watching it. i said, "okay. you can finish watching it." remember legally blonde 2? it's kind of like that.

also, the spelling of "wolverein" is from a deadpool/wolverine comic. you should read it. it's freaking hilarious. forget how deadpool was in this dumb movie (you know--with a face and all). in fact, forget all the movies. read the comics.

knitting update:
banananana socks: have turned heel and gotten 1/2" up the leg on sock#1. still in love, or quite a bit of like.
grey shawl: depressed at each row taking 20 minutes to complete. nearly done with the 4th ball now; considering being okay with a slightly small shawl and using the leftover yarn for something sane, like armwarmers. boy, do i need some armwarmers. it's still chilly here, especially at work, but my good sweater has a giant hole in the sleeve and another in the pocket, and my not-as-good sweater, and all my other sweaters, do things like flop around and be too big and have too-long sleeves that don't stay up when you roll them up. so. armwarmers.
new scarf: i have discovered the perfect way to use the lion-brand landscapes that mom gave me: brioche stitch in two-row stripes, alternating both colors. it blends the colors, improving both and making them look like one yarn, and it's a nice thick soft fabric, and, hey, brioche. brioche is a neat stitch to do. (...if "k1, k1below" is brioche. it might not be.) also if you spread out the stitches and hold them up to the light you can see the structure of the fabric and it is just fascinating. that's... oh, about two-thirds to three-quarters done. somewhere in there.

oh, and rene bought me a flower.

i am very lonely

Sun, 03 May 2009 06:54:31 GMT

so, i am very lonely. i don't understand how people make friends, and i don't understand how, once you have a friend, you're allowed to just intrude on her life to say, hey, i'm lonely/bored/breathing, let's go do something, let's talk. it seems like that would piss most people off. explanations? how does this work? also, if you are lonely/bored/breathing, want to go do something or talk?

toothpaste safeway pistachios bookbinding art?

Mon, 27 Apr 2009 04:55:42 GMT

for the first time EVER i am excited to brush my teeth tonight. we got to safeway (which SUCKS. it's like being a time-traveller from the past. "what? why has this changed? why is everything so extremely expensive? don't they make regular diet lemon snapple anymore?") and got toothpaste that doesn't have flouride in. say it with me: HURRAH. (unless you are a person who can tolerate flouride. in that case, say simply: MEH).

also: chocolate toffee pistachios. we got those at safeway, too. they are not as good as plain in-shell pistachios. just... thought i would mention that.

i've been making books but i worry that they are not artsy enough. one is a blank book, to be used to record and develop ideas for other books. the other is "comedy tonight" from a funny thing happened on the way to the forum illustrated with stick figures. the structure of the book is complex enough to be book-arty, but it's not about my tortured childhood or racial turbulence or anything. so... not artsy? not artsy enough? is "comedy tonight" art? (discuss various versions, including the one with nathan lane.) is "i am the very model of a modern major general"? are stick figures art? is xkcd? does it freakin matter or should i be doing this because it's fun and when it's done it till make me giggle? i think yes, to all, and it's my book, so there.

crim is moving out

Wed, 22 Apr 2009 20:00:48 GMT

crim is moving out! she is leaving TONIGHT. calloo, callay, etc. she's going to stay with the friends with whom she was temporarily staying when rene went to get her from missouri in the first place. then, after a while, this guy in california who has the hots for her is going to go get her and take her to live with him. she's leaving some of her stuff here and will get it on the way to CA. BUT WHO CARES? she shall be gone. oh my yes. there are so many things i could tell you about why we want her to leave (all of us do, rene, his mom and i) but right now let's just celebrate.

also: i have a desk! it is big and nice and rene's ottoman is the perfect chair for it. (which sounds low, but i can also work at it standing up. i have always wanted a desk at which i can do that! perhaps i am just short.)it is also the first table in the apartment at which meals could potentially be eaten. story of desk acquisition: we saw it by the dumpster outside our building. i said, "i want that." while i was at work, and completely forgetting about it, rene brought it inside. the end.

in all this, i have not knit a single row on a single thing for the past few days. however, i have been reading (more moore, and ender in exile, which is quite good) and doing more planning work on potential bookbinding projects so it's all right.

mood: celebratory
music: crim in the next room on the phone, making plans for leaving. it really is music.

PS not to be a bitch or anything. but.

okay, there's nothing i can say after that. i do want her gone.

bookbinding then knitting

Fri, 17 Apr 2009 06:48:20 GMT

GUYS. if you are into bookbinding at all, BUY THIS BOOK RIGHT NOW. even if you're not.

so. still knitting. have started socks with the bananasun honeytree yarn (which is the "yellow with streaks of brown and specks of red and green" that i dyed a while ago). they are adorable so far. they're based on a pattern called "duckies" which was originally done in a different weight of yarn so i had to modify it but they are SO CUTE. i don't make cute things all that often (or i try not to. it happens sometimes anyway). i need more yarn to dye. specifically, i need more yarn to dye yellow. i have discovered a way to make a tawny-gold wood-in-sun color (take your sock blank and don't soak it too well. dye one side yellow, set it, then turn it over and do the other side brown. red, white and green specks are optional) and i need to make some. SO BAD.

also i am halfway through the 4th ball of my 6-ball (or so) Past-Life Shawl. it's at nearly 4 feet across. each row takes like 20 minutes now. each ball of yarn adds only a few inches to the length-across. ...i still love it.

i also love christopher moore all of a sudden. not that i'm really surprised by that, but i just thought i would mention it, in case someone was looking for a good time.

coraline

Wed, 15 Apr 2009 01:38:19 GMT

SAW CORALINE (rene took me to see a movie, which he's done like twice (three times now) since i've known him, and now he's suggesting that since movies are 75 cents here on tuesdays, every tuesday night on which i'm not working we should go see a movie) AND IT WAS PRETTY ALL RIGHT.

actual review follows:

it wasn't really... gaimany enough. to be perfectly honest. it was good, all right, but not like, say, mirrormask. even stardust was recognizably neil. also: coraline features boobies. so, yknow, keep that in mind if you are taking kids along. they're not exposed (well... they're not technically exposed. or, rather, they're not completely exposed) but... yeah. anyway. i... don't really want to think about it. they are not good boobies. so. anyway. also: the Other Cat is totally our panda-cat. like, in all ways possible except panda isn't claymated.

boy drama: rene vs chris

Tue, 14 Apr 2009 00:29:45 GMT

~~news item 1: i changed my gmail password and now i can't remember what to. so i can't access it until i figure it out.~~ it's cool; i got it.

news item 2: rene is jealous and bummed about me going to see serenity and going to a scificon with chris. if we got back together, he would need to have a "talk" with chris in which he states that i am his girl, don't touch me and if i am touched faces will be broken. this... does not make me want to get back together.

boy drama: rene vs crim; rene vs self

Sun, 12 Apr 2009 00:28:16 GMT

so, everyone who said or thought anything along the lines of "he'll see how terrible she is and he'll regret giving you up because you are awesome".... YOU ARE SO RIGHT AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

so yesterday, rene wakes me up (at noon) and says, "want to go to the library and the bank?" and i say, "of course." so he takes me to garden of the gods, and we sit and Talk.

he says things like, "that, what i was doing over the last six months, that wasn't me," and "i don't know what i'm doing anymore. i fucked up real bad," and "i was sad, i wasn't happy, and i thought it was because of you, i didn't know what it was, so i was looking for somethign to blame and i was wrong, it wasn't you" and "seriously, if we got back together, the very next day i would take you to the courthouse and marry you." and, well... he did fuck up. and he wasn't really acting like himself. and there is a lot of shit going on with him (no job, mom dying, etc). so... it is plausible.

also (at GotG and later): this crim chick is nuckin' futs. even if they were thinking of getting together (she, btw, did ask rene if he wanted to get together with her. so they could both "get over" their just-past relationships. rene said, "no, let's not rebound (and btw secretly i want to get back with madison)." crim thought about it and agreed, and is now trying to get a room with a few other friends of hers. SWEET) for one thing: wiccan. i was wiccan, yes. but i never and i would never put a curse on an ex-boyfriend. especially in someone else's house. that's just rude. (also, when rene was telling me about that she'd done that, i saw one magpie fly over us. no more than one. british people: one for what? sorrow! yes! and i failed to say "hello, mr. magpie," too, so bad luck all around.) plus, various *cough* "spiritual" experiences--demon hands coming up out of the ground and grabbing her; nightmares; a visit from lucifer ("not satan, but lucifer, his son." NO REALLY) and "i can't sleep with socks on because when i wake up they're not on my feet and i didn't take them off."

yyyyeah. also, i am not the only one who gets enrageful when hearing her voice. see, it was mostly, for me, because she's Stolen My Man, but also? she's a really annoying person. all of us in this house like using few words, like quiet, like non-loud, shrieky laughter. she doesn't have that. she does not stop talking. ever. you can literally have a conversation with someone else in front of her and she will just keep talking. or singing a song to herself. also, if you touch her--as in tickling, tapping her shoulder to get her attention, etc--she screams. like a monster's come up behind her. (ask me what reminded me of this just now.) just lots of very strange things. strange and annoying things.

anyway. so. back to rene's new "omg i was a dick, you're right, i'm sorry, are we back together now?"

no. we're not. i'm not going to be the girl that goes back to her guy just because he was crying. i do believe him, and for the past few days, he's been making a big effort to be super-nice to me. (even bought me a book.) so, i told him this: what i wanted most of all when you and i were together was a friend. my belief is that when two people are Together, they should be best friends. so: be my friend. show me you can do it. show me for a while, so i know that you aren't going to revert to dickness. (also, secretly, to sort of punish him for the dickness. not a nice thing to do but i am a vengeful god sometimes.) ALSO i want to make sure that he's not just trying to get some sex. (i told him this, too: if we get back together and you start being a dick again, i am breaking up with you again and i am NEVER getting back together with you no matter what you say.) after i feel it's been proven that he's not rebounding from me to me, and after crim is gone (i'm still moving out btw. he and i could never have broken up and i would still not like living with this girl) i might consider getting back together with him. at this, he was overjoyed. and now we can both bitch about crim when she's not in the room. (for those who wonder what his mom thinks of all this: she thinks crim is a bit off, too. whenever we're all together and crim leaves the room, we engage in a collective "omg eyeroll wtf" session.)

interesting note here: i have this idea that rene's brain might not produce the right amount of anandamide or something similar. see, since we've been here he has not smoked weed. except for the couple of days after crim got here (it's gone now and they have no way to get more btw). also, since we've been here, he's been kind of a dick. and only realized that he was doing so after he smoked some weed. so, maybe coincidence, maybe brain chemicals. the sort of "general sadness" that he was describing does sound like a brain imbalance, but we'll never know for sure. unless of course he starts being a dick again later, after not smoking for a while, and then the process repeats.

so yes. the situation has become rather happier. the only thing that is getting annoying (besides crim) is that every few hours, rene will ask me, "has it been long enough yet? have i proven it? are we back together now?" and i have to tell him, "NO."

lots of knitting. i'm titling all entries now so you can click on them from my myspace.

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 08:51:39 GMT

hey i haven't talked about knitting in a while!!

ahahaha. oh, i know how y'all love to hear about the YARN! (seriously: rene's reason why he stopped reading my lj, except for the most upsetting posts, of course, is that i talk about knitting every other entry. sorry, sister, that's what i do. anyway. enough about you, let's talk about HER! her being the yarn. i have these things to do, you see; they are better than thinking about that dork. so here i go. not thinking about him. at all.)

so. guess what i am knitting.

i am knitting a JAYNE HAT. (for you poor sad people who did not see serenity or firefly, whichever was the show and not the movie (i know, i know, revoke my geek card here and now) this is what is it.) it is for chris. he bought the yarn. (also known as: he bought me yarn! two thirds of it is, well, redskins colors. i could make something for dad with the leftovers of the red and gold! and then, um... felted pumpkins with the orange?) also i am knitting something that is a surprise (unless you find my projects on ravelry) with the leftovers of the yarn. actually, it looks like i could knit another couple of hats with the leftover yarn. so. um. i might also have a hat for myself? which i would not mind at all. the yarn is awesome when used doubled. i don't know what it is about it, it's just... it's got the right weight to it. not like sockweight, laceweight, but actual heft. feels good. (the yarn, btw is brown sheep cotton fleece. because i know you care. oh, also, note to self, while we're in parentheses: when casting on a large number of stitches which are intended to go onto dpns, don't just use one dpn. it is too short. use a straight needle, which is longer and will hold all the stitches needed for an adult-sized hat. then knit them off with dpns, distributing as you go.)

past-life shawl update: it is 3.5 feet wide. which is not really wide enough for a Fully Awesome Shawl (5'2" is where i want it, really). i think i'm going to have to be using all six skeins. i was thinking about just using 5--which i might do, and use one for the edging. which might have beads, i haven't decided. just a simple knitted-on leafy edging. then again i might end it with three repeats of simple yo/k2tog garter lace.

sockness: i... started socks with the yarn from my sock blank (dyed in stripes and various other patterns in blue and brown and purplish-odd whree they mixed). i was going to do toe-up stockinette socks, to see how the colors play. and then, i forget why, i ripped that toe and started some nutkins (only on mine, the pattern is mirrored on itself, pointing up on the back and down on the front, instead of all going in the same direction). then, after... 4 repeats or so, i tried them on. seriously could hardly get them over the ball of my foot. damn you, biased fabric! anyway, so i ripped those and restarted on twos (originally ones). so far i have... one row knit. and the cast-on row. uh.

dude, actually? these have a really cool cuff. it's the thing where you knit a few rows, purl a row, knit a few more, then knit the cast-on row together with the working row, folding the fabric over into a cute little facing. it feels luxurious and is sooo much prettier than ribbing. facings all the way from now on! but wait. i don't think you can do a knitted-in (as opposed to sewn-in) facing on toe-up socks. DAMN. need a new plan for world domination now.

anyway, yes, happy things happen too. also i have still not slept. i don't really want to. but eventually, surely, i will. maybe. maybe.

Fri, 10 Apr 2009 03:04:03 GMT

is it bad that i now try to see an alt text on comics like calvin and hobbes? (only when reading on the computer, though. newspapers: still safe. so far.)

also: needing to leave VERY SOON IF NOT SOONER. (no pressure.) or at least needing someone to talk to who uses three letters to refer to someone in the second person. i am now sitting in the living room, behind rene's mom's couch, so that i don't have to hear the cackling. no, seriously: i had the music on my laptop turned all the way up (...on the volume control in media player. the master volume was only at 64%. STILL. that's louder than i listen to anything ever) and i COULD STIL HEAR THEM. OMG.

also, they are getting high. with weed.

you know, i remember a time, back when i was in school, back before i met rene, when this would be SO COMPLETELY UNCOOL WITH ME. i wonder if i should go back to that attitude.

i have lots of ARRRGH inside me. and not the good pirate kind of arrgh (peg legs, 'allo m'dear, and so on). the ragey kind. i would like to find a place around here that has punching bags. and quiet places to sleep. hey, does a thing exist that is like this? it's a wooden dummy, like you see novice jousters practicing on in movies. maybe even with a bucket for a head. only the arms are held out in front of it, and on the end of each arm is one of those flappy paddles you kick in tae kwo do class. and you can adjust the height of the arms and swivel the paddles so they point up or down, for different kicks.

that would be awesome. i want to invent that. just so i can use it.

so, yes. enrageful. also, i have not slept since 11 am yesterday (and it's now... nearly 9 pm today) thanks to Those Two. both their noise and their enragefulness.

d'you know: he DID tell her that i was a "cool person." this angers me for two reasons: 1: he told me during a fight once that no, he hadn't told her that. so, either he's told her since then or sone of these things is a lie. (btw: sorry for STILL talking about it all.) 2: why the fuck couldn't he tell ME that? why am i always a--well, let's not go into it. the only compliment i ever got was "you're hot, let's have sex." i could show him something i'd done, a story, a knitted thing, and his response was invariably, "do you like it?" well, that or "it's not my thing." he said it was because he was trained by his ex (also an "artist," but a painter/sculptor type) to never say anything that can possibly be interpreted as bad. it's like the "these pants, my ass. fat?" question. no right answer. FOR HER. not me. me, i wanted constructive whatever. even "how'd you make the holes in it" would be sufficient.

anyway. i really don't understand why, if he did think i was a cool person, he couldn't ever tell me. AND YET he always said my self-esteem was so low, and that that was one of the worst things about me. and he wanted to "help" me. and when i'd say, "okay. help me. show me how i can raise my self esteem." what do i get then? a shrug. it's not something you can show, apparently. (but hey, check this out: maybe it's a false thing, but a few folks on rav, a few folks on lj, and a guy taking me out for yarn, sushi and books? raised my self-esteem more than nearly three whole years with rene. not to mention any amount of time with counselors and psychologists (one of whom made me feel even worse by having group therapy, during which i was totally sidelined). figure that out.)

anyway. yes. needing to get out, even for a night. i just need to not be here for a while. it's getting so i don't even care where, or if i can take my stuff all at once. i haven't seen any evidence of her touching it (no radioactive spots, lasers jutting from my backpack, mysterious spores, you know) so i suppose it's okay to leave it there.

and now he's ordering pizza. since he was just in their room being quiet, i can only assume that it's to comfort her.

oh, and i must note: according to rene, they are, at the moment, just friends. (i'll leave the subject of my "just friends" for another time.) while he will not deny that he may/probably will someday get together with her, he asserts that he did not "leave me for her." i maintain that we did break up because of her. and i still think that she is a bad person to be around, dating or not. rene could not tell me a single thing that was good about her, beside "she's funny and nice." which i have not seen evidence of. but then, i'm not allowed to be in the same room as her, for fear that i will cause "drama" (which i won't; that's what lj is for. i mean that seriously: i say it here so i don't say it to her). so i have no idea.

ARRRRRRRRRRGH, so much arrrrgh. and some GAH too.

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 08:42:07 GMT

also, seriously, i cannot deal with listening to her in his room (which is right next to mine). i can't even tell if she's giggling or crying. until she gets really fucking loud. which she does. and she's laughing. i really would like to go sleep in the car, but there is no alarm clock there.

seriously, guys: am i a total bitch for not being okay with this? because i'm getting called a bitch, a stupid motherfucker, and i'm really not exaggerating here. these are the actual words that came out of rene's mouth. am i really a terrible person for not wanting to be friends with him? am i also a terrible person for, for once, not letting him intimidate me during a fight? 'cause he shouted at me, and called me stupid, and i didn't cry or cower. this made me an arrogant and sarcastic bitch. he said how much he'd done for me--and i'm not saying that he's never done anything for me, because he has. that was one reason i loved him at first: he took care of me, or he tried to, as much as he could. his mom, too. (i really could be bitchy and sarcastic here and say, "even though i gave them 100% of my paycheck whenever i was working"--oh, and did i miss a year somewhere? because apparently i was out of work for a year and a half. i can't remember this happening. but anyway, i don't want to be bitchy and sarcastic, so i'm not. i'm just saying i could.) so, yes, they've done a lot for me. and i did love rene, and i know that, up to a certain point, he loved me, too. there are, obviously, good things about him, and he is not a total dick. i didn't mean to make him sound that way, and apparently i was supposed to defend him in my replies to your comments. anyway, him saying how much he'd done for me was also him saying that i was throwing it all away, had wasted his time and mine, and, well, again, was a bitch. i tried to thank him and tell him i appreciated it all. he first didn't believe me, then shouted at me to stop thanking him. (and no, i wasn't going "thank you thank you thank you." nor was the shouting directly after the disbelief. facts, all.)

let me also note that, when i said, "fuck him" at the end of my post, i was responding to the fact that, as i said, he did not care that we had broken up. he still doesn't. he is not sad; if he is sad, or angry, or anything, he is not showing it. i know he's a guy, and guys don't exactly well up and start bawling, but still. even an "i don't want to break up" or similar would be nice. anyway i read this as him saying, "fuck you." he did say that he simply didn't want to deal with it "right then," but i don't know how long i'm supposed to wait.

ANYWAY. so. i still don't want to be friends with him. i told him that before we ever broke up: is we break up, i don't want to be friends with you. now, apparently this means i don't care, never did, and he could get hit by a bus tomorrow and i would laugh. which isn't true. but, honestly, though i will certainly wonder, and i would feel sad if i heard that something bad happened to either of them, i just don't want either of us to be involved in the other's life. so, this makes me a bitch? for wanting to move on? i really don't even care if he wants to be friends. by which i mean that if he does, i'm okay with that. if he doesn't, that's also fine. if he feels the need to email me about his daily warcraft triumphs, well, i'm not really down with that. and that seems to be what he talks to his friends about. of course, 99% of his friends are on warcraft, but that isn't really the point.

anyway.

i also got called a bitch because i went out with a friend (who is male, but also nothing but a friend, whether anyone wants to believe that or not ("surprisingly," rene doesn't)) and sort of didn't come home until 11:30. and rene had my phone (though he doesn't seem to want to return my charger, for some reason. perhaps he just forgot about it, in his bag, or something). before everyone has a heart attack, yes, i knew what risks i was getting into. but i had also talked to this guy for a while, and he's really nice. either we share a brain or he's a phenomenal stalker. which is of course possible.

look, i seriously feel like i need to get out of here. this is a bad, bad place to be. i'm going to work as much as i can and just stay out of the house as much as i can. and i'm going to TRY not to be a bitch. but i'm not even aware of when i'm doing it (because obviously i must be; why else would rene call me one? even though his mom said i wasn't being one, and that he's just pissed).

this is why i need friends. my only point of reference cannot be this guy. i wish you all could meet him, to tell me whether i am wrong about this. whether i skewed the facts. i can no longer tell. sign of insanity, yes?

PS, also, she has an ex-boyfriend who is dead. i forget why, but apparently me fighting with rene (which is to say: me talking calmly and rene talking calmly until he got pissed and started to shout (again, not exaggerating. stating actual facts)) made her cry about him. so i got yelled at for that, too. explanations?

Thu, 09 Apr 2009 06:38:17 GMT

in light of the talk rene just had at me, i must rescind the post i made regarding the reason we broke up. apparently, none of it was true. odd,that, but life's a funny thing sometimes.

Wed, 08 Apr 2009 05:44:42 GMT

dude. holy crap.

buffy yarn.

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 20:49:30 GMT

only like....14 more hours till i can totally see him!! yeah, rene's had her myspace favorited for a while. sorry to not be dropping it, but i'm finding it fairly enrageful.

Tue, 07 Apr 2009 05:04:27 GMT

going through old entries, and i found this one: james marsden has a HUGE forehead and some people blow up

this was before buffy, you see. i was all shocked that he was in bang bang, you're dead. as "trevor." (i recommend you not actually read the entry; it's actually a realy long rant/review about xmen 3. who cares about xmen anymore? i ask you.)

EDIT: marsden is not marsters. DUH. sheesh. actually maybe it's not a good idea to read any entries here.

EDIT AGAIN: they both do have huge foreheads, though. easy mistake.

i do, however, recommend you check out this one.

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 19:00:19 GMT

so, the girl i mentioned, that lives in missouri or wherever. whose boyfriend cheated in her and she went back to him anyway. well, he cheated again (and apparently again and again). so now this girl is coming to live with us.

i have a strong feeling that this is bad.

see, the main thing is, is that she has this habit of falling in love with the guys who "rescue" her from whatever she needs rescuing from that day. the guy who cheated on her? she met him while she was on the bus ride from california (away from warring mobs, one of which had members who'd raped her) and this "creepy guy" was following her around at one of the stops. jon (the cheater) came over all dressed in his military uniform and shiny, and said, "i'll protect you, fair maiden!" and then she went to live with him instead of to wherever it was she was originally going. she also tends to have sex with, um, people. when jon cheated on her, she took another bus ride back to california. in new mexico, at one of the stops, she had Revengeful Bathroom Sex with some guy whose name she still does not know.

now my boyfriend is driving to missouri to get this girl and bring her to live with us for "a while." because even if she does get a job (she's just going to go ahead and quit the job she just got, like, a month ago--she quit once before, when she first went back to CA, but they let her back when she returned) she won't be able to afford a place on her own. so until she gets a job, rene's mom and i will be supporting both of them. also, rene and i live in separate rooms mostly. we don't exactly have a guest bedroom, here. so, either:
A) i let crim (look, her name on warcraft is "crimzontear" which sounds like a metaphor for a vagina if you pronounce it wrong; her real name is christina but i keep thinking of her as crim) sleep in my room with all my stuff, on either a (third) air matttress (the two we already have have holes) or on our futon if we can get a new one (which we do want; ours is still kind of faling apart). or
B) i move all my stuff back into rene's room and we're crowded and "together too much" just like we were before, and we start fighting and we break up because of that. or
C) i say screw it, let them sleep together, and wait till rene's mom dies so i can get back to maryland.

see, i really do think that rene's going to be with her. eventually. he said to me, before they started being friends, that his perfect girl liked three things: warcraft (and other video games), heavy metal music, and sex. this is, well, not me. it is EXACTLY crim. also, in every single fight she has ever had with a previous boyfriend--according to her--it's because HE did something wrong. so she's a perfect little princess. she does have incredibly awful luck--and not just when it comes to guys; i mean in general, just bad luck, and she transfers it to the people around her, too--but relationship-wise, she's the girl you want to be with. compounding that is that there are no really good reasons why he should be with me. the only thing he can come up with is, "um... because i love you?" we share exactly zero interests. we fight. i hit. i'm a psychotic bitch; this is common knowledge. she's a damsel in distress.

and she's hot. dude, seriously, if she were 50 years old and weighed eight hundred pounds, i would not be so worried. but she's even got glasses. with thick square black frames. she has Pretty Popular Hair. she has a fucking myspace. she is everything that i am not and isn't that the girl everyone wants?

anyway, i'm thinking this is going to be a long slow thing. painful for me only; they'll be happier than a very happy thing. he'll get closer and closer to her and he'll push me farther away. eventually we will all three wake up and realize that she's in his bed and i'm not and without saying anything, that'll be that: they'll be together and i'll be trash on the road. he's already said that for "a while" (love these general time terms) we shouldn't even be affectionate towards one another, because he doesn't want to rub a happy couple in her face. (he also said that he's not really happy in our relationship. "it's okay" and "i'm not head-over-heels or ecstatic.") okay. so be nice. don't rub it in her face. but don't take away what is mine, either. it's possible to do a thing without making a big deal of it. and if she hurts and it pushes her away from him? i'm really okay with that, too. sorry to say.

basically i'm being a jealous bitch and not wanting some hussy to take my man. which is stupid and makes me look absolutely horrible, besides making him not want to be with me even more. so: here's the deal. i make no comments. i let them hang out as much as they want. if he's complaining that i won't have sex with him, i let them have sex. i don't resist. i let it happen. because if i resist, it becomes even more painful, for everyone. i look like a monster for telling hm he can't have what he wants--or letting either of them have what they want. whatever. so i let him have it. and i wait till i can get out. no drama. no bullshit. i'll just let it happen.

and if it turns out she's not so awesome? (which i doubt.) if he does find some reason to be with me? fine. so be with me. be happy about it. be with whoever makes you happiest. be single if that will make you happiest. but i'm not sharing him. sorry, but no. and i don't want to "just be friends" and watch him make eyes at this girl and have him treat her nicer than he ever did me. i'm not putting up with that. don't need it. pick one and have done, man.

i'm sorry for ranting. i know you guys don't want to hear about my life. (in fact i have considered stopping posting altogether; it makes me feel so stupid. i know no one cares except maybe my mom and her i can email. i don't get why you people, who write like that, want to read the misspelled, gramatically incorrect, psychotic dribblings that come from my ears. not looking for a pity party or a cheer-me-up there; statin' facts. i can hear your eyes rolling from here.) i voiced these concerns to rene and he pretty much told me i was being retarded--no, not "pretty much;" he did tell me that. which is the #1 sign that he does want to be with her, i think. he kept telling me not to worry, that he didn't understand why i was worried. which made me worry more.

when she gets here, that night they're going to get drunk and "talk." he said she'll probably want to "vent" (another reason she's great for him: he's a talker. i'm not a talker. either i have nothing to say or i know no one wants to hear what i have to say. if i talk to rene, or try to have a conversation with him (y'know, where two or more people talk) i'm interrupting him. crim, on the other hand, is a "really cool person" (described as such to me by rene. when pressed, he can only say that i'm "not cool like crim and aaron" (his other best friend). i'm "a different kind of cool." when pressed again, this is because i know lots of things. however, when it is demonstrated that i know lots of things, i'm "telling rene he's wrong all the time" or being a know-it-all. so). she can apparently talk and talk and talk and it's okay when she does it).

(starting a new paragraph to offset the effects of the three-brackets-deep clause there)

anyway i'm going to stay out of the room while they're getting drunk and "talking." at this point, i don't care what they do. if they end up actually getting together that night? fine. at least there won't be the long slow slide and i'll know for sure.

rene's leaving this evening to get her. tonight i'll have to walk home from work at 9pm. tomorrow i'll have to walk to and from work. the day after that i'm off. i know i take walks all the time, but i don't take them after dark unless i absolutely have to. i don't mean to worry you, mom, but this is not a good place to be walking around after dark. but we must have the crim. she is far more important. she can't get a bus ticket here the way she did to CA. oh no. she needs a limo, man.

i'm sorry, i'm getting bitchy again. i know none of you would. you wouldn't be depressed that the guy you love (even if, well, no, i don't have any really spectacular reasons to be with him, either) is being taken away. you'd be fine with it. so i'm being fine with it. that's what guys want, right?

also? i have exactly zero friends. seriously. i hate to say it to you, but the text box here is a friend more than anyone who comments. i would never go up to you and tell you this in person. i know you wouldn't care, because you don't know me well enough. same with everyone at work. i'm not comfortable telling people i'm in pain when all they can possibly say is "boy. that sure does suck. what a cock he surely is. there there." not that there's anything anyone could do, but i could at least get a sense of normalcy, of what an acceptable reaction would be. because i have no idea. i just know that getting angry, depressed, jealous, etc? not right. not acceptable. dramatic. bad. so yeah.

i think i've run out of things to say, but i'm sure i'll be saying more as i continue to be in the situation. i do apologize in advance. i'm sure you're already thinking "just drop it already," like mom told me to do with dustin (after i'd already dropped the whole thing, mind). if you don't want to hear about it, DO NOT READ IT. i'm sorry there are things going on in my life that make my head feel the need for clearing. this is the ONLY place i have for that. i really don't know what else to say about that. i'll try not to talk about it, but if i need to, i need to. if you really feel the need to tell me to "just drop it," go ahead; i make no promises.

i really hope she turns out to be a total bitch in person. i hope there is something about her, even one thing, that makes rene say "omg no. i would never be with that woman, not for a million bucks." but i'm not counting on it.

EDIT: huh. okay, never mind.

we broke up.

apparently my being concerned about this was "annoying." rene doesn't actually seem to care whether we're together or not. so. i guess "fuck him" is the appropriate attitude? once again, i do not know.

new icons are imminent

Mon, 06 Apr 2009 01:54:44 GMT

WHY DIDN'T ANYONE TELL ME DR HORRIBLE'S ON HULU?

anyway, now we all know. go watch it. even if you already have. if you haven't:
1. it has the jossness and is therefore a good thing.
2. everyone in it is a gigantic dork. (okay, maybe not the girl.) (speaking of nathan fillion: castle is pretty okay, if you don't mind Another Cop/Detective Show. he's... well, he's a gigantic dork in that, too.)
3. those can't possibly be their real voices. no way.
4. omg it's only 45 minutes. go watch it. right now. in 15-minute segments if you MUST.
5. three words: Better Than Dollhouse. (four more words: Does Not Contain Dushku.)