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make me an instrument of peace.
where there is hatred, let me sow love;
where there is injury, pardon;
where there is doubt, faith;
where there is despair, hope;
where there is darkness, light;
where there is sadness, joy.
grant that i may not so much seek to be comforted as to comfort;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we recieve;
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned.

***

The Starfish Story
Original Story by: Loren Eisley

One day a man was walking along the beach when he noticed a boy picking something up and gently throwing it into the ocean.

Approaching the boy, he asked, “What are you doing?”

The youth replied, “Throwing starfish back into the ocean. The surf is up and the tide is going out. If I don’t throw them back, they’ll die.”

“Son,” the man said, “don’t you realize there are miles and miles of beach and hundreds of starfish?
You can’t make a difference!”

After listening politely, the boy bent down, picked up another starfish, and threw it back into the surf. Then, smiling at the man, he said, ”I made a difference for that one.”
BEST WHEN CHILLED
as indeed we all are
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aww, i guess i should post once in a while, eh? but what to say that hasn't been said on my other blog--which really is rarely updated--madevilknits.blogspot.com--and facebook? yes, i'm on facebook. that's where my family hangs out so there go i. other than that, i use google reader (SO MUCH) and i'm on rav still. so. i'm still existing! i'm knitting: mom's socks, my first sweater from an actual pattern (with extensive modifications, of course) and some socks for me. i would like to make some handwarmers or mittens or gloves but i don't know which ones. for halloween i'm either going to go as a case of wonderflonium (with a shirt that says "wonderflonium: do not bounce") and rene will have to figure something out for himself, or we'll go together as cloak and dagger. not really sure how to do that.... all rene needs is a big, well, cloak and some blackface but i need to finagle a shirt into that odd cross-shaped cutout arrangement and find some white hair dye. which we do have at work, so... there's one thing checked off.
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right, so, after a bit of a delay, is the new bloggerblog, the diary of a mad evil knitting genius. who knits.

ENJOY
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RIGHT so now i have a camera, and it takes pictures which are actually decent, and so it is time, as it sometimes is for all of us in some way, for me to go over to blogger and get a proper knitting blog and a following and become a celebrity in the knitting world and so on. i link between this and that once i get it set up, and then it is goodbye. but all that's happening tomorrow, or maybe later, because i have to get up at 6 tomorrow. GOD.
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go watch warehouse 13 RIGHT NOW. no, trust me, jane espenson helped write at least the first episode. the words "wicked awesome" happen to apply to it. (also the words "so where exactly are you planning to go with this?" but for now it's a fun little thing which starts a bit slow but is then wicked awesome.)
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leaving tomorrow!

i have two stories:
1: so i was at work. i was about to go on my break, and before cashiers take a break we have to clear out our registers of all the items customers didn't want. we take them to customer service and deposit them in bins or, later in the evening, in carts. so i was walking out of customer service with my hands all full of jacketwaterbottlereturnsetc, and i nearly ran into this guy who was wearing the xkcd "SCIENCE: it works, bitches" shirt. and i said, "i love your shirt. so much." he turned around and looked at me confusedly because, you see, he was also wearing a jacket, so all you could really see was "IEN / works, bi". so i said, "i read xkcd, too." and he sort of checked me out. just a little once-over, a little "hmm" look. which i thought was funny because this guy is never going to see me again. sucks to be him. so then i dropped something, he helped me pick it up, and i ran off to distribute my returns to their proper locations.

best part? he was wearing a hat. a hat guy hat.

2. so we were at garden of the gods. to say goodbye. we went into the gift shop to find something commemorative (which also cost only 5$--unsuccessful, ultimately) and they were playing some sort of "instrumental folk hits" cd. one of those where the songs are not interpreted in a way that helps you actually identify them. which didn't stop me identifying "homeward bound." simon & garfunkel, you know--and guess which song i've been thinking of sice i learned we were at the "and back again" part of our hobbit's tale? yeah. and then just when it ended i found what i wanted most: a necklace with a real forget-me-not embedded in the pendant.
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so i finished the past life shawl. it is warm and huge and doesn't have its ends woven in yet. (well. it's still wet, so that's forgivable.) i also finished the lion brand scarf. and i forget whether i already talked about these things, but anyway, also, we are leaving for maryland on the first. of june. i'm half-packed; i even dyed a bunch of yarn today so that A) i won't have to dye at aunt dottie's (where rene and i are staying for the month before our move-in date at our intended house [his mom is staying with her sister]) and B) so i can pack yarn instead of dyestuffs. which is a sissy excuse given that my "dyestuffs" are packets of kool-aid whihc take up about as much space each as a playing card.

so. what shall i knit on the drive? i'd like to start another big thing, seeing as how the shawl is done. on the way here, a year ago, i did about a sleeve of my cleaves (which i never wear now). on the way back, it'll either be a sweater out of caron simply soft--and i'd like to do the sleeve in the car, not the body--or i'll begin on muir. finally take on that laceweight. OR i might work on my superduck socks (the banananana ones). i had to rip out the second sock because... how do i describe it? say X is the lace pattern column and O is the plain stockinette column. sock one was like this on the instep: "OXOXO" and sock two was like this: "XOXOX". and i did not want that. imagine, me, wanting two socks the same. but yes. so now i have a few rows of toe on two.
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so i went to the doctor about my "i get nauseous pretty much all the time" problem and TURNS OUT i might have an ulcer or a gallbladder "problem." the meds they gave me--the meds they gave me to see if they work--are also used for zollinger-ellison syndome</i> (wiki link, includes gross endoscopy image) which means tumors. but we're not going to suspect that. we're going to suspect stress, and ulcers.

so, apparently licorice is good for ulcers? and drinking straight vegetable oil? and eating a low-fat diet? and i shouldn't eat corn, tomatoes or citrusy things, except those are the things i want to eat most. AWESOME. stupid internet people, suggesting information that doesn't fit with my previously-accepted worldviews, mumble grumble....

also i have something like a dozen rows left on my PL shawl. which means... 3 to 6 hours of work. plus the bind-off. thinking of using the one from the hemlock ring. maybe.
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still aLive--been reading, knitting, watching tv, working, etc--not internetting.

proof of aliveness: knitting update
PL shawl: on the last ball, which turns out to be the fifth one. it's big enough (i GUESS)--and each row is taking EVEN LONGER now, and i'm out of pattern ideas (it's a nonrepeating pattern, you see) so yeah. it's nearly done. the sixth ball... i'm thinking a lacy hat, or mitts.
socks: i'm a couple of pattern repeats past the toe of the second sock. the first one is a little tight, but not so much that it cuts off circulation or anything; i think it's comfy and warm, but i wouldn't be able to sleep with them on.
lion brand scarf: ...hasn't moved since i last talked to you, except for when i had to pick up something that was underneath it.

next up: i require armwarmers for work. it's still chilly at night (though VERY warm at the registers during the day--all those customers, full of hot air, you know). of course i'll probsbly have them done in time for the full heat of summer, but i'll have them for next year either way. i really don't have the right yarn for these. i need a worsted or sport in a solid, professional color (black, grey, brown, blue) and i'd prefer wool. if i don't buy new yarn, i'll probably end up using the Mountain Of Black Red Heart (one of those pound-o-love balls). and i bet i still won't exhaust it.

on the other hand, i did recently get some "cashmere" (which turnes out to be, like, 80% acrylic, 16% rayon or nylon or something, and 4% cashmere. still quite soft, but now i get why it was at michaels. they also have "alpaca"). it's white, but the nylon and cashmere would pick up dye, so i'd get some sort of mottling, i expect, so i could dye it and make cashmere armwarmers. maybe. i sort of thought i could make a lace cashmere scarf (okay, i just like saying things are cashmere--it's a luxury thing) out of it, but with the acrylic content i'm not sure how it would block.
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wolverein: origins: x-men: wolverine:

don't see it. not even for free. if you have read an x-men comic--any of them--don't watch this movie. if you've ever read a damn batman comic, don't go see this movie. i feel that my time was wasted, and i never feel that. rene feels that a small piece of his brain has died. we didn't even watch the whole thing (because of brain-death and also because of certain measures put in place to keep evil criminals like us from watching things for free on the internet [also, what we watched was in fact a leaked, unfinished copy {or at any rate i really hope they're not relasing the version we saw}. the cg was SO BAD]). rene says he's going to finish watching it. i said, "okay. you can finish watching it." remember legally blonde 2? it's kind of like that.

also, the spelling of "wolverein" is from a deadpool/wolverine comic. you should read it. it's freaking hilarious. forget how deadpool was in this dumb movie (you know--with a face and all). in fact, forget all the movies. read the comics.

knitting update:
banananana socks: have turned heel and gotten 1/2" up the leg on sock#1. still in love, or quite a bit of like.
grey shawl: depressed at each row taking 20 minutes to complete. nearly done with the 4th ball now; considering being okay with a slightly small shawl and using the leftover yarn for something sane, like armwarmers. boy, do i need some armwarmers. it's still chilly here, especially at work, but my good sweater has a giant hole in the sleeve and another in the pocket, and my not-as-good sweater, and all my other sweaters, do things like flop around and be too big and have too-long sleeves that don't stay up when you roll them up. so. armwarmers.
new scarf: i have discovered the perfect way to use the lion-brand landscapes that mom gave me: brioche stitch in two-row stripes, alternating both colors. it blends the colors, improving both and making them look like one yarn, and it's a nice thick soft fabric, and, hey, brioche. brioche is a neat stitch to do. (...if "k1, k1below" is brioche. it might not be.) also if you spread out the stitches and hold them up to the light you can see the structure of the fabric and it is just fascinating. that's... oh, about two-thirds to three-quarters done. somewhere in there.

oh, and rene bought me a flower.
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so, i am very lonely. i don't understand how people make friends, and i don't understand how, once you have a friend, you're allowed to just intrude on her life to say, hey, i'm lonely/bored/breathing, let's go do something, let's talk. it seems like that would piss most people off. explanations? how does this work? also, if you are lonely/bored/breathing, want to go do something or talk?
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for the first time EVER i am excited to brush my teeth tonight. we got to safeway (which SUCKS. it's like being a time-traveller from the past. "what? why has this changed? why is everything so extremely expensive? don't they make regular diet lemon snapple anymore?") and got toothpaste that doesn't have flouride in. say it with me: HURRAH. (unless you are a person who can tolerate flouride. in that case, say simply: MEH).

also: chocolate toffee pistachios. we got those at safeway, too. they are not as good as plain in-shell pistachios. just... thought i would mention that.

i've been making books but i worry that they are not artsy enough. one is a blank book, to be used to record and develop ideas for other books. the other is "comedy tonight" from a funny thing happened on the way to the forum illustrated with stick figures. the structure of the book is complex enough to be book-arty, but it's not about my tortured childhood or racial turbulence or anything. so... not artsy? not artsy enough? is "comedy tonight" art? (discuss various versions, including the one with nathan lane.) is "i am the very model of a modern major general"? are stick figures art? is xkcd? does it freakin matter or should i be doing this because it's fun and when it's done it till make me giggle? i think yes, to all, and it's my book, so there.
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crim is moving out! she is leaving TONIGHT. calloo, callay, etc. she's going to stay with the friends with whom she was temporarily staying when rene went to get her from missouri in the first place. then, after a while, this guy in california who has the hots for her is going to go get her and take her to live with him. she's leaving some of her stuff here and will get it on the way to CA. BUT WHO CARES? she shall be gone. oh my yes. there are so many things i could tell you about why we want her to leave (all of us do, rene, his mom and i) but right now let's just celebrate.

also: i have a desk! it is big and nice and rene's ottoman is the perfect chair for it. (which sounds low, but i can also work at it standing up. i have always wanted a desk at which i can do that! perhaps i am just short.)it is also the first table in the apartment at which meals could potentially be eaten. story of desk acquisition: we saw it by the dumpster outside our building. i said, "i want that." while i was at work, and completely forgetting about it, rene brought it inside. the end.

in all this, i have not knit a single row on a single thing for the past few days. however, i have been reading (more moore, and ender in exile, which is quite good) and doing more planning work on potential bookbinding projects so it's all right.

mood: celebratory
music: crim in the next room on the phone, making plans for leaving. it really is music.

PS not to be a bitch or anything. but.

okay, there's nothing i can say after that. i do want her gone.
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GUYS. if you are into bookbinding at all, BUY THIS BOOK RIGHT NOW. even if you're not.

so. still knitting. have started socks with the bananasun honeytree yarn (which is the "yellow with streaks of brown and specks of red and green" that i dyed a while ago). they are adorable so far. they're based on a pattern called "duckies" which was originally done in a different weight of yarn so i had to modify it but they are SO CUTE. i don't make cute things all that often (or i try not to. it happens sometimes anyway). i need more yarn to dye. specifically, i need more yarn to dye yellow. i have discovered a way to make a tawny-gold wood-in-sun color (take your sock blank and don't soak it too well. dye one side yellow, set it, then turn it over and do the other side brown. red, white and green specks are optional) and i need to make some. SO BAD.

also i am halfway through the 4th ball of my 6-ball (or so) Past-Life Shawl. it's at nearly 4 feet across. each row takes like 20 minutes now. each ball of yarn adds only a few inches to the length-across. ...i still love it.

i also love christopher moore all of a sudden. not that i'm really surprised by that, but i just thought i would mention it, in case someone was looking for a good time.
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SAW CORALINE (rene took me to see a movie, which he's done like twice (three times now) since i've known him, and now he's suggesting that since movies are 75 cents here on tuesdays, every tuesday night on which i'm not working we should go see a movie) AND IT WAS PRETTY ALL RIGHT.

actual review follows:

it wasn't really... gaimany enough. to be perfectly honest. it was good, all right, but not like, say, mirrormask. even stardust was recognizably neil. also: coraline features boobies. so, yknow, keep that in mind if you are taking kids along. they're not exposed (well... they're not technically exposed. or, rather, they're not completely exposed) but... yeah. anyway. i... don't really want to think about it. they are not good boobies. so. anyway. also: the Other Cat is totally our panda-cat. like, in all ways possible except panda isn't claymated.
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news item 1: i changed my gmail password and now i can't remember what to. so i can't access it until i figure it out. it's cool; i got it.

news item 2: rene is jealous and bummed about me going to see serenity and going to a scificon with chris. if we got back together, he would need to have a "talk" with chris in which he states that i am his girl, don't touch me and if i am touched faces will be broken. this... does not make me want to get back together.
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so, everyone who said or thought anything along the lines of "he'll see how terrible she is and he'll regret giving you up because you are awesome".... YOU ARE SO RIGHT AND YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
read more...Collapse )
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hey i haven't talked about knitting in a while!!

ahahaha. oh, i know how y'all love to hear about the YARN! (seriously: rene's reason why he stopped reading my lj, except for the most upsetting posts, of course, is that i talk about knitting every other entry. sorry, sister, that's what i do. anyway. enough about you, let's talk about HER! her being the yarn. i have these things to do, you see; they are better than thinking about that dork. so here i go. not thinking about him. at all.)

so. guess what i am knitting.

i am knitting a JAYNE HAT. (for you poor sad people who did not see serenity or firefly, whichever was the show and not the movie (i know, i know, revoke my geek card here and now) this is what is it.) it is for chris. he bought the yarn. (also known as: he bought me yarn! two thirds of it is, well, redskins colors. i could make something for dad with the leftovers of the red and gold! and then, um... felted pumpkins with the orange?) also i am knitting something that is a surprise (unless you find my projects on ravelry) with the leftovers of the yarn. actually, it looks like i could knit another couple of hats with the leftover yarn. so. um. i might also have a hat for myself? which i would not mind at all. the yarn is awesome when used doubled. i don't know what it is about it, it's just... it's got the right weight to it. not like sockweight, laceweight, but actual heft. feels good. (the yarn, btw is brown sheep cotton fleece. because i know you care. oh, also, note to self, while we're in parentheses: when casting on a large number of stitches which are intended to go onto dpns, don't just use one dpn. it is too short. use a straight needle, which is longer and will hold all the stitches needed for an adult-sized hat. then knit them off with dpns, distributing as you go.)

past-life shawl update: it is 3.5 feet wide. which is not really wide enough for a Fully Awesome Shawl (5'2" is where i want it, really). i think i'm going to have to be using all six skeins. i was thinking about just using 5--which i might do, and use one for the edging. which might have beads, i haven't decided. just a simple knitted-on leafy edging. then again i might end it with three repeats of simple yo/k2tog garter lace.

sockness: i... started socks with the yarn from my sock blank (dyed in stripes and various other patterns in blue and brown and purplish-odd whree they mixed). i was going to do toe-up stockinette socks, to see how the colors play. and then, i forget why, i ripped that toe and started some nutkins (only on mine, the pattern is mirrored on itself, pointing up on the back and down on the front, instead of all going in the same direction). then, after... 4 repeats or so, i tried them on. seriously could hardly get them over the ball of my foot. damn you, biased fabric! anyway, so i ripped those and restarted on twos (originally ones). so far i have... one row knit. and the cast-on row. uh.

dude, actually? these have a really cool cuff. it's the thing where you knit a few rows, purl a row, knit a few more, then knit the cast-on row together with the working row, folding the fabric over into a cute little facing. it feels luxurious and is sooo much prettier than ribbing. facings all the way from now on! but wait. i don't think you can do a knitted-in (as opposed to sewn-in) facing on toe-up socks. DAMN. need a new plan for world domination now.

anyway, yes, happy things happen too. also i have still not slept. i don't really want to. but eventually, surely, i will. maybe. maybe.
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is it bad that i now try to see an alt text on comics like calvin and hobbes? (only when reading on the computer, though. newspapers: still safe. so far.)

also: needing to leave VERY SOON IF NOT SOONER. (no pressure.) or at least needing someone to talk to who uses three letters to refer to someone in the second person. i am now sitting in the living room, behind rene's mom's couch, so that i don't have to hear the cackling. no, seriously: i had the music on my laptop turned all the way up (...on the volume control in media player. the master volume was only at 64%. STILL. that's louder than i listen to anything ever) and i COULD STIL HEAR THEM. OMG.

also, they are getting high. with weed.

you know, i remember a time, back when i was in school, back before i met rene, when this would be SO COMPLETELY UNCOOL WITH ME. i wonder if i should go back to that attitude.

i have lots of ARRRGH inside me. and not the good pirate kind of arrgh (peg legs, 'allo m'dear, and so on). the ragey kind. i would like to find a place around here that has punching bags. and quiet places to sleep. hey, does a thing exist that is like this? it's a wooden dummy, like you see novice jousters practicing on in movies. maybe even with a bucket for a head. only the arms are held out in front of it, and on the end of each arm is one of those flappy paddles you kick in tae kwo do class. and you can adjust the height of the arms and swivel the paddles so they point up or down, for different kicks.

that would be awesome. i want to invent that. just so i can use it.

so, yes. enrageful. also, i have not slept since 11 am yesterday (and it's now... nearly 9 pm today) thanks to Those Two. both their noise and their enragefulness.

today's rantCollapse )
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also, seriously, i cannot deal with listening to her in his room (which is right next to mine). i can't even tell if she's giggling or crying. until she gets really fucking loud. which she does. and she's laughing. i really would like to go sleep in the car, but there is no alarm clock there.

seriously, guys: am i a total bitch for not being okay with this? because i'm getting called a bitch, a stupid motherfucker, and i'm really not exaggerating here. sorry, more dramaCollapse )
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in light of the talk rene just had at me, i must rescind the post i made regarding the reason we broke up. apparently, none of it was true. odd,that, but life's a funny thing sometimes.